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Insomnia
I have insomnia. No, that's not quite right. I *suffer* from insomnia, that is more correct. Chronic insomnia: chronic, unrelieved, unremitting, relentless. I sleep well about one night out of seven. And by 'well', I don't mean the average interpretation of 'well.' 'Well' for me means I fall sleep in under two hours, I'm in bed at least six hours, I only wake up once an hour, and fall back asleep in a half hour or less. That, for me, is sleeping well. The other six nights a week I'm usually awake even more of the night. Like tonight, didn't sleep at all. I don't have the faintest idea what a good nights sleep feels like. I don't recall ever having had one. Even when I was a kid I took a long time to go to sleep, and woke up several times during the night. My whole immediate family had the same problem to one degree or another, so I guess that is partially where the trouble lies. It's in my genetic makeup. Maybe it is a problem that will forever remain unsolved. To make matters even worse, for nine years I worked all different shifts. Not just a different shift every week, that wouldn't have been so bad, but a different shift every day. I substituted for the other workers on their days off, because I knew all the jobs (stupid me). I also worked six days a week, or rather six days and nights; so one week I might work 2 days and 4 nights, and the next week 4 days and 2 nights, or every possible combination. For those nine years I barely slept at all, my body didn't know when to sleep and when to stay awake. On my one day off I would try to sleep all day, but it never worked. I didn't sleep very well before those nine years, but I have barely slept at all since then. It's a proven medical fact that lack of sleep over a long period of time can adversely affect a persons health, both mentally and physically. And I can tell you that it is true. I also suffer from horrible migraines, which are almost always brought on by lack of sleep. I always feel my health is somewhat tenuous at best, because I never feel very good, never feel rested. If only I could sleep! That is the thing I think about all the time. If only I could sleep, I could get so much more done. If only I could sleep, I would have more energy. If only I could sleep, I would feel so much better. Sleep, sleep, sleep! Why can't I sleep? I have tried every possible remedy, not just once, but over and over. Such-and-such didn't work the last time, but maybe this time it will, or the next. I've tried every kind of sleeping pill that exists. They are all the same - they work fairly well for a week or two; I sleep for a few hours by taking them, but wake up feeling groggy and unrested. Then after awhile, usually about two weeks, they cease to have any effect whatever. I still have trouble going to sleep and staying asleep even with the pills. So in a few months a new pill comes out and I try that one. Same deal. I've tried all the self-hypnosis tapes, the relaxation tapes, the "guaranteed to make you sleep" tapes, the soothing voices and the soft music. They never work either. They just pile up on my shelves, along with all the books on relaxing, getting a good nights sleep, etc. I have done the 'real' hypnosis, too. Didn't work. Accupuncture. Didn't work. Aromatherapy. Didn't work and made me nauseous. White noise machine, dark room. Nope. I do all the recommended things to help induce sleep, ie, going to bed at the same time every night, not eating or reading in bed, etc., etc., etc. Still nothing works. I think all the people that make up these helpful "tips" probably don't actually have insomnia themselves, and really have no idea how bad it can be. Some of those things may work for someone with only occasional insomnia, but not for the hardcore insomniac such as myself. I wish I could find the answer. For myself, and all the other insomniacs out there. If I could find a cure for insomnia, I could probably make a billion dollars. I wouldn't even care about the money, though. I know; you're thinking, yeah right! But it's the truth! The greatest thing I can imagine is not money, it's to be able to sleep - just sleep, and sleep and sleep. Maybe someday. |
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May, 2012
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